The last few months of my life have been incredibly difficult. In many ways, it was a long time coming. I spent seven years avoiding my problems, so naturally, they all hit me like a fucking bus just after my thirtieth birthday.
The last few months have been a dramatic change in pace for me. I’ve been forced to sign off work, started taking medication, and begin exploring an autism diagnosis. (On top of trying to buy a house and having LITERALLY the worst luck.)
IT’S BEEN A LOT OK?
I’ve been forced to slow down. To actually stop, and make space for the first time in years. And in doing so, I’ve been able to see just how deeply unhappy I was. How I’d become so good at pretending that I was OK that somewhere down the line I’d convinced myself too.
I think I genuinely thought that doing that was best for everybody. That other people’s problems were “bigger” than mine, more important, more “valid”. (ALL bullshit by the way) I thought that putting myself first was selfish, (again, BULLSHIT) and convinced myself that so long as I looked like I was coping and that I loved myself that was fine.
But you can’t fake love. Even if it’s for yourself.
And if you spend your life trying to please others, you’ll ultimately end up hurting yourself, and inevitably the people you’re trying to please too.
I’ve pushed so many friends away, either through drawing away myself because I tell myself they’re better off without me or don’t actually like me. Or I will become so overly dependent on them that they get overwhelmed. It’s been a cycle that’s haunted me my entire life, and I’m only just discovering it at age thirty because my body gave me no other choice.
But I’m finally starting to break free.
I’m finally starting to love myself and accept myself for the person I am, rather than the masks that I wear.
And I think the main reason for that is that I’ve been forced to slow down for long enough to actually start dealing with my shit, instead of pushing it down. And I’m very slowly seeing the benefits of it.
@tarotwithgord Did a walk, feel so much better for it! Enjoy some videos of the swans! #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #selfcare #selflove #anxiety #love #mentalhealthmatters #depression #motivation #health #wellness #mindfulness #healing #fitness #life #loveyourself #therapy #inspiration #happiness #mindset #positivity #positivevibes #quotes #meditation #mentalillness #psychology #wellbeing #recovery #fyp #happy ♬ Autumn Leaves – Timothy Cole
I recently went for a walk along the canal. I found a bench and sat there meditating for a few minutes, It was the first time I’d been out in days, and it felt SO good. Breaking out of my comfort zone, and leaving the house felt like a bit deal. But I loved it so much that I went back to the same spot the next day and even did some Tai Chi.
I’m going to try and make a point of walking as often as I can because it really does make a difference. I just don’t remember until I’m doing it most of the time which sucks. I haven’t been out today, and it’s currently 23:46 so it’s doubtful I’ll make it out. But that’s OK. Tomorrow is another day.