Table of Contents
Why I’ve Been Quiet Lately
I’ve not been visible for a while, and I want to be honest about why. There’s been a lot going on, both behind the scenes and in the wider world. Some of it’s been exciting, some of it’s been painful, and a lot of it has been hard to process. I haven’t had the capacity to show up in the way I usually do. I haven’t had the words. And if I’m honest, I’ve barely had the energy to keep everything moving. But I want to explain what’s been going on, because I know I’m not the only one who’s been struggling.
Living Through A Time That Feels Hostile
The Background Noise Of Being Trans Right Now
I’m non-binary. I’m transgender. And the way things have been going politically and culturally lately has been horrifying. It’s not just news stories or policies. It’s the constant drip feed of cruelty, the daily reminders that your existence is up for debate. It’s seeing rights being stripped away, again and again. It’s watching your community be vilified, misrepresented, dehumanised. And it wears you down. Not all at once. But gradually, in a way that’s hard to put into words. You start to feel like you’re holding your breath all the time.
Even when you’re not directly targeted, it’s there. The anxiety. The fear. The hyper-awareness. The sense that safety is conditional and fleeting. And when your work involves being visible, being online, being available, that fear doesn’t just sit quietly in the background. It seeps in. It affects everything.
Trying To Run A Business In That Climate
I’ve been doing my best to keep going. To keep holding space for clients. To keep offering tarot readings and meditations and support. But doing that while also navigating the emotional toll of existing as a trans person in this climate has been a lot. Too much, at times. I’ve had to pull back in order to survive. I’ve had to stop posting. Stop writing. Stop pushing myself to show up. It hasn’t been a choice. It’s been a necessity.
When The Internet Turns On You
What Happened
A few weeks ago, I saw someone misgendering Elliot Page online. I corrected them. Nothing big. No rage. Just a simple correction. But that was apparently enough for someone to decide to punish me.
They found my business number. They called me. They left abusive voicemails. And then they used my email address, the one that’s on my website, the one that clients use to book readings, the one that my entire mailing list comes from. They used that email to sign me up to thousands of mailing lists.
Thousands. I’m not exaggerating. Over six thousand emails landed in my inbox in less than twenty four hours. It was unusable. I couldn’t find actual client messages. I couldn’t send anything out. I couldn’t even think clearly because the digital noise was so overwhelming.
The Impact
The attack came on a day when I was already ill. I’d had to cancel readings. I was feeling guilty and vulnerable and low. And then this happened. And I just broke. Not because of the emails, but because of what it represented. It was someone saying, I see you, and I want to silence you. I want to overwhelm you. I want to make your work harder. I want to make your life worse.
It worked, for a while. I shut down. I went into panic mode. I stopped knowing what to do. I stopped being able to function. My inbox was wrecked. My mental health collapsed. And even now, weeks later, I’m still unsubscribing. Still filtering. Still trying to catch up.
But what made it worse was the timing. Because alongside that attack, my entire working pattern was shifting.
Everything Changed At Once
Moving Into FLOW
Around the same time, I started working more permanently from FLOW by Transcend in MediaCity. It’s a beautiful space. Calming. Thoughtfully designed. The reading room there is lovely, and it’s quickly become my main base. I’m now there every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. From May, I’ll also be there every Sunday. Saturdays alternate between there and Transcend in Eccles. I’m still offering online and recorded sessions, and I’m still taking clients at my home reading space in Salford. But FLOW is where I’m spending most of my time now.
That change has been good. But it’s also been a lot. I’ve gone from working mostly at home to being out four or five days a week. And for my autistic and ADHD brain, that’s not a small adjustment.
Losing My Rhythm
The shift in routine has left me feeling completely out of sync. I’ve been overstimulated, overtired, and struggling to keep up with messages, admin, and the everyday stuff that used to feel manageable. I’ve had to build new routines from scratch, and that’s taken a toll. I haven’t had the spoons to market anything. I haven’t had the capacity to write. I’ve been focusing all my energy on the one thing I can still do: show up for my clients. And even that’s been a challenge.
Trying To Rebuild
I’ve been trying to piece things back together. I’ve been showing up for readings, holding space, running meditations, and trying to carve out little moments of regulation in between. I’ve been leaning into the work because it helps me feel like myself. But it’s been slower than usual. Less visible than usual. And that’s where I’ve been. Not gone. Just quiet. Just trying to get through the day.
If You’re In That Space Too
You’re Not The Only One
If you’re feeling stuck. If you’re feeling low. If you’re exhausted. If you’ve had to step back from things you usually love. If you’re behind on texts and emails and social media posts. If you’ve been numb or angry or scared or totally shut down. I get it. I’m there too.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. You’re responding to a world that hasn’t made space for you to be soft, or vulnerable, or exhausted. You’re surviving. That counts.
What’s Been Getting Me Through
It hasn’t been productivity. It hasn’t been smashing through to-do lists or trying to pretend everything’s fine. It’s been small things. Meditation. Getting back into running, partly because I signed up for a 10k without thinking it through, and now I’m having to actually prepare for it. That’s been surprisingly grounding. Sound therapy. Drawing a daily tarot or oracle card when I remember, though I won’t pretend I’ve been doing that every day. Just little rituals that help me feel like I exist again, even if only for a moment.
The work I do with tarot, with meditation, with energy holding, that’s what’s helped me reconnect with myself. Not in a spiritual bypassing way. Not in a just breathe through it way. But in a gentle, grounded, this is where I am way.
What’s Next
I’m not rushing back to being fully online. I’m not promising weekly blog posts or flashy updates. But I am still here. I’m still offering readings. I’m still holding sessions. I’m still turning up to do the work that matters to me, in the ways I can.
There’ll be more coming. But for now, thank you. For reading. For waiting. For understanding.
I’m finding my way back. Slowly. On my terms.
