“What Are They Thinking?” How I Do a Tarot Reading About Your Ex

“Can you tell me what my ex is thinking?”

“Does my ex still love me?”

“Will my ex come back?”

Back when I was doing readings on TikTok I got asked these at least once a week, sometimes more. People would book a tarot reading about their ex hoping I’d look inside their ex’s head and tell them whether there was still hope, and whether they should wait or move on.

I don’t get asked as much now, but when I do, I still won’t answer them.

And I get it. Breakups are fucking brutal. When someone’s left and stopped talking to you, and you’re sat there replaying every conversation trying to work out what went wrong, wanting to know what’s going on in their head is about as human as it gets.

I won’t tell you what’s going on in your ex’s head, but I can help you work out what’s going on in yours, and what you want to do about it.

The Thing That Made Me Stop Doing Third-Party Readings

When Christians Started Praying for Me on TikTok

A few years back, when I was doing tarot on TikTok, I got Christians in my comments, the “you’re going to hell” ones and the “tarot is demonic” ones. Standard stuff when you’re a queer tarot reader on the internet. At first I’d just block them and move on.

Then some of them started saying they were praying for me, when they saw my pronouns, when they found out I was non-binary, and when they learned I used to be a Christian. “I’m praying the Holy Spirit opens your eyes.” “Praying you’ll repent of this perversion.” “Claiming your soul for Jesus.”

At first I thought, fine, pray if you want, it doesn’t affect me. But it kept happening, and the more it happened the more uncomfortable I got. It started to feel invasive, like they were reaching into my life from a distance and insisting they knew what was best for me better than I did. I’d never asked to be on their prayer list.

The Reading I Did in Retaliation

I remember once I was so pissed off at one of them that I did a reading for them, in retaliation. You want to reach into my life without asking? Fine, I’ll do the same to you.

I pulled the cards, read them, and felt icky about it straight away.

The Horrible Realisation About Consent

Then one day it clicked. What was the difference between them praying for me without my consent and me doing a tarot reading about someone’s ex without theirs?

Fuck all, really.

We were both reaching into someone’s life without being asked, and telling ourselves it was fine because it was for their own good, or for the good of whoever had asked. Back then, if you’d asked me about your ex, I’d have told you what the cards said about them: they’re confused, they still think about you, they’re scared of commitment, whatever came up. I couldn’t keep doing that and still say I held myself to any kind of ethical standard, so I stopped.

Why I Don’t Read for Your Ex

That’s what made me stop, but there’s more to it than consent, because I don’t think a tarot reading can tell you what your ex is thinking in the first place.

A tarot card is a picture printed on a bit of card. It hasn’t met your ex. What it can do is give the person holding the question something to look at, and the reading happens in what you notice in that picture and what we end up talking about because of it. Put the same card in front of two different people and I’ll read it two different ways, because what each of them brings to it is different.

The Only Person the Cards Can Show Is You

So when the question is about someone who isn’t there, the only person in the reading is you. If I pulled cards on “What is my ex thinking?” and told you what I saw, I’d be guessing, or I’d be handing you back your own hopes, fears and wishful thinking and calling it their side of the story. I’m sceptical as hell that tarot can tell me what’s going on inside somebody who isn’t in the room, and I’m not going to tell you how someone else feels when I’ve got no way of knowing.

And your ex is still a person. I don’t care how heartbroken you are, or whether they’re the one who left or you’re the one who fucked it up. They get to decide whether they want someone sat at a table talking about what’s going on in their head, and they’re not here asking for that. So it’s a no from me.

Will My Ex Come Back? I Won’t Tell You That Either

I don’t predict the future, and whether your ex comes back is their decision.

Even if I could tell you, I don’t think it would help. Knowing what’s going on in their head doesn’t give you any control and it doesn’t bring them back. It keeps you waiting, checking your phone and living on the hope that if they’re thinking about you there might still be a chance, and you can live on that hope for months.

Questions to Ask Tarot About Your Ex

Instead of “What is my ex thinking?”, try:

• What do I need to understand about this relationship?
• What patterns am I repeating that I need to break?
• What’s keeping me stuck, and how do I move forward?
• What am I learning about myself through this?

Instead of “Will my ex come back?”, try:

• What would it mean for me if they did come back?
• What am I hoping a reunion would fix?
• Am I waiting for them because I love them, or because I’m scared of being alone?

Instead of “Does my ex still love me?”, try:

• What did I learn about love from this relationship?
• How do I want to be loved going forward?
• What do I need to believe about myself to move on?

My Way, Not the Only Way

Why I Read Like This

There are readers who work differently, who say they can read for people who aren’t in the room, and who believe predicting the future is possible and helpful. That’s their practice and their choice, and this is mine.

I think my way is the most ethical and the most helpful for the person I’m reading for. If we believe people have free will, what’s the point of predicting a fixed future? Either you believe it and become complacent, or you fight it and stress yourself out, or you pin all your hope on something that might never happen. I’ve written more about how I read tarot and the questions I won’t answer if you want the rest of it.

So yeah, this is how I work. Take it or leave it.

What Would You Do With the Answer?

Only you know what’s sitting under your question, and I’m not going to guess at it for you. But it’s worth asking yourself what you’d actually do with the answer.

The Question Beneath the Question

Say I could tell you your ex is thinking about you. What would that change for you? Would you wait? Would you message them? Would you feel better about yourself, and if so, why does that hang on them? Say I told you they’re never coming back. Would you be devastated, or would part of you be relieved?

Whatever comes up when you sit with that is something we can work with in a reading.

What I Can Actually Help With

What a Tarot Reading About Your Ex Actually Looks Like

When you book a reading with me about an ex, we start with the relationship: what it was, what it meant to you, and what you brought to it. Who was right and who was wrong doesn’t get us very far, so we look at what happened and what you can take from it.

Then we look at where you’re stuck, the stories you’re telling yourself and the hopes you’re hanging on to that might be stopping you from healing, and at what you need to let go of, forgive (yourself or them or both) and grieve. And we look at what you want your life to look like from here. I read online over a video call and in person from my home in Salford, and it works the same way either way.

If you want to start on your own, this three-card spread is a good one for a relationship that’s ended, because every card in it is about your side of things.

Why I Hold This Boundary

You Already Know Most of It

Most of the time you already know more than a tarot reading about your ex would tell you. You know how it ended, what it’s been like since and whether they’ve been in touch. You might not want to believe it yet, or you might be scared of what it means.

A reading can give you somewhere to look at what you already know and work out what you want to do about it.

And if you’d like a tarot reading about your ex that’s about you and what you want to do next, book a reading with me.